Saturday, September 20, 2014

You’ll Get Yours!

Have you ever wondered why water balloons are so tiny?  Not only tiny, but very hard to fill.  We tried stretching them over the end of the hose, the kitchen sink, the bathroom sinks, and any other hose that would build enough pressure.  It is not like today where they actually make an attachment to facilitate water balloon filling.  No sir, you were on your own.  It was hard work.  And then the infernal things were as fragile as eggs!

But Oh!  The joy of plastering your brothers in the face with cold water bombs!  Hardly anything else could compare.  Especially if they were caught by surprise and could not immediately retaliate without making their own water bomb arsenal.  And so we spent the first weeks of summer hoarding chore money and allowance in order to buy small bags of the tiny balloons.  Keeping the buckets, water pistols and the number and location of balloons as state secrets.  And of course carefully plotting the strategy of water fights.

Until one day, everything changed.  We were in mother’s bathroom filling water balloons because it had the tiniest faucet.  We found a small foil packet by the sink.  It seemed curious.  So we opened it.  Inside was a balloon!  Not just any balloon; a wondrous stretchy magnificent gigantic unbreakable water balloon!  We filled it so full of water it was the size of a large watermelon!  We placed our newfound treasure in the bucket with all those teeny tiny colorful pain-in-the-neck water balloons.  And we hauled that bucket up to the roof where we had determined was the optimal position to drop water bombs on the enemy.

The “enemy” never knew what hit them.  He led his troops under the porch and never received such a soaking!  We were hooked.  We needed more!  Into my parents bathroom we dashed to rifle through everything looking for more of the foil packaged balloons.  And we filled every single one of them with water.  Then we hauled them up to the roof.

Dad pulled up into the car port as we were hurling the last batch of giant water missiles at my brother and his friends, who had abandoned hope and had turned the hose on us.  It was all out war!  He stared at us for a minute, and then he just started yelling.  Kids scattered every which way.  And we slithered off the roof; a soaking mess of humility.  We three sort of just slinked into the house with Dad stomping in behind us after turning off the hose.

We waited in anxiously in our rooms all through dinner for punishment to be handed down.  Mother came to our rooms after dinner and quietly told us why we could not use Trojans for water balloons, EVER.  And then Dad visited and informed me that one day I would have a child probably a lot like me.  He said it with affection, and pride.  And then with what I think was a lot of embarrassment, he added, he wanted me to remember this, because, he said, “You will get yours”.

And that brings me to a Sunday night not so long ago when I noticed my night table drawer standing open.  Now, I’m a normal woman, not a huge perv.  I go to church every Sunday, and I’ve been married a while.  Bu no one opens that drawer except me.  So I checked the contents and something was missing!  I asked the spousal unit, “Did you take a toy out of there to put batteries in it”?  Nope.  OMG!!!!!  I AM GETTING MINE RIGHT NOW!  “Self”, says I, “remain calm”.  And then I freaked out and tore the house apart.  My daughter was in bed asleep.  No sense in waking her.  Eventually, I found it in my daughter’s church bag (of course).  Cause that is where you take a pocket rocket.  To church!  Bible: check.  Coloring book and crayons: check.  Vibrator: you betcha!

The following morning, I asked her as casually as possible, “Did you find something in my room, that maybe you wanted to ask me about”?  And she said, “Oh mommy yes!  It was the coolest.  I showed it to all my friends in junior Sunday School, and my teacher too!  And the teacher told me to just keep it in my bag”.

There is a cipher lock on my bedroom door now.  And if anyone at church gives me a sidelong glance, I’ll be happy to let them know they are eligible to get theirs too!

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